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FUNNY RETIREMENT QUOTES

Retirement: some people love it, others hate it. But most of us find something funny about the idea. If you're looking for funny retirement quotations for a card, a party, or a roast, we've got a great selection.

Here are some wonderfully funny retirement quotations from well-known comedy writer Gene Perret. (Some of these would make great scrapbooking quotes about retirement.)

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Retirement: That's when you return from work one day and say, "Hi, Honey, I'm home - forever."

Retirement is wonderful. It's doing nothing without worrying about getting caught at it.

Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.

I'm now as free as the breeze—with roughly the same income.

In my retirement I go for a short swim at least once or twice every day. It's either that or buy a new golf ball.

Retirement: It's nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.

When you retire, you switch bosses—from the one who hired you to the one who married you.

I enjoy waking up and not having to go to work. So I do it three or four times a day.

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But he's not the only one with something amusing to say with funny retirement quotes:

A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
Ella Harris

Eating's going to be a whole new ball game. I may even have to buy a new pair of trousers.
Lester Piggott (b. 1935), British champion jockey (On his retirement)

In retirement, I look for days off from my days off.
Mason Cooley

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit . . . . retire!
Groucho Marx

This is one of my favorite funny retirement quotes:

When men reach their sixties and retire, they go to pieces. Women go right on cooking.
Gail Sheehy

Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Harry Vardon

I've been attending lots of seminars in my retirement. They're called naps.
Merri Brownworth

Retired is being twice tired, I've thought
First tired of working,
Then tired of not.
Richard Armour

What do gardeners do when they retire?
Bob Monkhouse

When a man retires, his wife gets twice the husband but only half the income.
Chi Chi Rodriguez

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
Abe Lemons

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Jackie Mason

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Some of the very funniest of the funny retirement quotations are by that well-known sage "Author Unknown," just great sayings that have made the rounds. Short and right to the funny bone, they make great scrapbooking quotes about retirement. My favorites:

Retirement: World's longest coffee break.

I'm retired—goodbye tension, hello pension!

The challenge of retirement is how to spend time without spending money.

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

The money's no better in retirement but the hours are!

In retirement, every day is Boss Day and every day is Employee Appreciation Day.

Before deciding to take early retirement from your job, stay home a week and watch daytime television.

Retirement takes all the meaning out of weekends.

RETIREMENT: The time in your life when time is no longer money.

Ahhh Retirement: Fishing Yesterday, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow!

Retirement: When you stop lying about your age and start lying around the house.

Retirement is the time when you never do all the things you intended to do when you were still working.

Heaven, that’s my retirement plan.

I’m retired. You on the other hand have to go to work.

The worst thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.

Finally, here is a great funny retirement quote from that great showman/comedian/actor George Burns, who worked pretty much up until the day he died at well over 100 years old:

Retire? I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

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For more quotations about retirement, including some perfect short scrappbooking quotes about retirement, go to:
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