Funny Music Quotes
From Classical to Rock, Folks Get Funny about Music

Funny music quotes? Really? Oh yes. Folks have been saying amusing things about music, musicians and composers almost as long as we've been enjoying their tuneful output. Like this:

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings
are still back in the cat.
~Fred Allen

If you think too many musicians, especially classical musicians, take themselves too seriously, then you seriously need to check out the funny music quotes on this page. You'll find they have a long history of poking fun at themselves and at each other, at their own type of music and at every other kind around.

From classical to country, rock to rap, these funny music quotes amazed me in their number and variety.

Take a look and see if you don't agree that this nice long list of funny musical quotes put a new light on the subject of music and musicians. Enjoy!


Definition of a true musician: One who, when he hears a lady singing in the bathtub, puts his ear to the keyhole.
~Morey Amsterdam


The tuba is certainly the most intestinal of instruments, the very lower bowel of music.
~Peter DeVries


Composers shouldn't think too much. It interferes with their plagiarism.
~Howard Dietz


I know only two tunes. One of them is "Yankee Doodle"—and the other isn't.
~Ulysses S. Grant


The chromatic scale is what you use to give the effect of drinking a quinine martini and having an enema simultaneously.
~Philip Larkin


I can hold a note as long as the Chase National Bank.
~Ethel Merman


I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to.
~Elvis Presley


George Bernard Shaw

Nothing soothes me after a long and maddening course of pianoforte recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled.
~George Bernard Shaw


Hell is full of musical amateurs.
~George Bernard Shaw


Dancing: The vertical expression of a horizontal desire legalized by music.
~George Bernard Shaw


Donny Osmond has Van Gogh's ear for music.
~Orson Welles


An accordion, or stomach Steinway.
~P. G. Wodehouse


Classical music is the kind that we keep hoping will turn into a tune.
~Kin Hubbard


I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'
~Bob Newhart


Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of a bag of nails, with here and there an also dropped hammer.
~John Ruskin


Boys, look like you're having fun, but don't have any.
~Lawrence Welk (To his band just before going on the air)


Funny quips, witticisms and quotations can come from anywhere. For those who remember the classic TV show "All in the Family," created by Norman Lear, here's one of my favorite funny music quotes.

Listen Edith, I know you're singing, you know you're singing, but the neighbors may think I'm torturing you.
~Archie Bunker

Beware the lollipop of mediocrity; lick it once and you'll suck forever.
~Brian Wilson


Do it again on the next verse, and people think you meant it.
~Chet Atkins


All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.
~Frank Zappa


All music is folk music. I aint' never heard a horse sing a song.
~Louis Armstrong


Brass bands are all very well in their place—outdoors and several miles away.
~Sir Thomas Beecham


Military justice is to justice as military music is to music.
~Georges Clemenceau

Funny Music Quotes by and About Mozart

It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was my age, he had been dead for two years.
~Tom Lehrer


If Mozart were around now he would write a killer rock song.
~Vanessa Carlton


Because of Mozart, it's all over after the age of seven.
~Wendy Wasserstein


Melody is the essence of music. I compare a good melodist to a fine racer, and counterpoints to hack post-horses.
~Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
as a child prodigy


Donny Osmond has Van Gogh's ear for music.
~Orson Welles


An accordion, or stomach Steinway.
~P. G. Wodehouse


Classical music is the kind that we keep hoping will turn into a tune.
~Kin Hubbard


I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down.'
~Bob Newhart


Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of a bag of nails, with here and there an also dropped hammer.
~John Ruskin


Boys, look like you're having fun, but don't have any.
~Lawrence Welk (To his band just before going on the air)


Do it again on the next verse, and people think you meant it.
~Chet Atkins


All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff.
~Frank Zappa


All music is folk music. I aint' never heard a horse sing a song.
~Louis Armstrong


Brass bands are all very well in their place—outdoors and several miles away.
~Sir Thomas Beecham


Military justice is to justice as military music is to music.
~Georges Clemenceau

Attack of the MUZAK

What we might call background music, cocktail music, elevator music or simply Muzak, has often been described as noise, screeching, an abomination. But it has certainly lead to some funny music quotes.

Muzak collaborates chiefly with management: it is used as an aural smoke-screen, a form of jamming, a hormone in the hen house, an emollient in cemeteries.
~Norman Corwin


Cocktail music is accepted as audible wallpaper.
~Alistair Cooke


Extraordinary how potent cheap music is.
~Irving Berlin


If one hears bad music it is one's duty to drown it by one's conversation.
~Oscar Wilde


I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.
~Lily Tomlin


Musical Quotes that are Funny Come From Everywhere
and Everyone

I've outdone anyone you can name—Mozart, Beethoven, Bach, Strauss. Irving Berlin, he wrote 1,001 tunes. I wrote 5,500.
~James Brown


Rap is poetry set to music. But to me it's like a jackhammer.
~Bette Midler


Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music?
~John Cusack


The piano is a monster that screams when you touch its teeth.
~Andre Segovia


A composer is a guy who goes around forcing his will on unsuspecting air molecules, often with the assistance of unsuspecting musicians.
~Frank Zappa


Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
~Steve Martin


Never hate a song that's sold a half million copies.
~Irving Berlin


Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
~Voltaire


The piano has been drinking, not me.
~Tom Wait


Get up from that piano. You are hurting its feelings.
~Jelly Roll Morton


To compose music, all you have to do is remember a tune nobody else has thought of.
~Robert Schumann


So what's your favorite of these funny music quotes? I think my favorite is this one:

You can have either The Resurrection or you can have Liberace. But you can't have both.
~Liberace


Return From Funny Music Quotes to the Home Page

Also see these pages
of funny and inspirational
music quotations

Quotes About Music
Inspirational Music Quotes
Opera Quotes
Quotes About Richard Wagner
Rock and Roll Quotes
Jazz Quotes


Also see these pages
of quotations by and
about some jazz legends.

Charlie Parker Quotes
Duke Ellington Quotes
John Coltrane Quotes
Louis Armstrong Quotes
Miles Davis Quotes